by Rutuparna Deshpande UG’23 It is truly a remarkable feat that this University has made me
Rohan Parikh, Class of 2019
Fake Lies is a satire and humor series about Ashokan life and culture (or lack thereof).
Are you are sitting alone in your room, writing bad poetry with an ABAB rhyme scheme?
Are you low-key thinking of drinking tonight, despite knowing you will probably end up getting really drunk and then proceed to beg strangers for hugs?
Do you have a newfound hatred for Romeo and Juliet and similar love stories from various cultures you know nothing about thanks to your Anglicized education?
Are you single — again?
Well, worry not, for help is at hand. Follow these simple rules and soon enough you’ll find yourself perfectly cold and indifferent to your ex — just what you need. Remember, every small step in the cold, vast desert is a step closer to home.
- It’s a tiny campus. Do not, under any circumstance, leave the dorm without a friend. You must display your sociability, especially in these hard times. If you see her, pretend like your wisecrack buddy said something funny and show off that gorgeous smile of yours. Show her what she let slip through her fingers. Try not to show her the tears as you clench your teeth harder and harder to maintain the smile.
- Dress up. Your partner left you, your wardrobe didn’t. Wash your face. Put some makeup on those dark circles under your eyes. Don’t overdo your perfume, but even if you do, what the hell. It doesn’t matter. It’s all about social signaling, and your message should be clear: I’m hot and will jump into bed with almost anyone who helps me forget my pain.
- Get a hobby. So he is a debater. Big deal. You can also argue with your friends. And you do. All the time. But seriously, find some productive activity to occupy yourself with. Maybe strum a guitar, or hit the gym? And when, in three days, you realize that such things require effort, turn to your true calling. Philosophize about the inherent wretchedness of existence. Alcohol will help you think clearly.
- Don’t smoke weed! It won’t help. Unless you think it’ll help you channelize your pain into something creative and positive. But definitely don’t do meth! Unless you think weed didn’t unleash all the creative juices in your brain. But surely you won’t do crack, right? Unless…
- Study. In your state of neglect, you never seem to forget to go out to eat and drink, hang out with your friends, play Frisbee, watch Netflix, and then drink some more. Somehow, your studies seem to be the only thing that suffers. Her face swims in front of your eyes every time you begin reading Kant. But your parents are paying a bomb to keep you in college. So sit your ass down and write a paper on the Categorical Imperative. Try not to relate every word you read to your personal circumstances.
- Talk to anybody who is willing to listen. Post a highly allegorical story on social media about ‘certain star-crossed lovers’ whose ‘destinies were parallel lines fated to meet only at infinity’ (It’s ok, you were never good at math anyway).
- Stop reading Rupi Kaur.
- Guess what: It’s a tiny campus. Break-ups can make you feel suffocated. Find a place where you can go and sit by yourself. Cry a little if you must. Ok, cry more than a little. It’s alright; everyone goes through this. Yes, of course the world still loves you. Look, you already have thirty likes on that story you posted on Facebook. No, she hasn’t liked it. But I bet she’s seen it. She’s thinking of you, like, right now. No, that’s a bad idea. Seriously, DO NOT CALL HER.
- Remember, this too shall pass. What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Think of more of such clichés as you spend day after day alone in your room with no one to cuddle. A new day is a new beginning. Love is blind. Think of more of such clichés as you hook up with a stranger at a party, and then ‘fall in love’ with them.
- Come to terms with the fact that life will not pan out exactly the way you want it to. Your sense of entitlement, more than anything else, is what is hurting right now. Learn to pardon; it’s the only way to move on. Eventually time will close the wounds, and you will find yourself capable of love once again. Someone new and unexpected will come into your life. And this time around, you will be much better prepared; both, to love, and to be loved. So anyway, perhaps write a slam poem about this?
- Call your mom, maybe?